Soaped up reader, have you ever watched MAFS? Married at First Sight?
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Last week the 2023 season ended.
We were hooked, three nights a week, cementing our unhealthy addiction to train wrecks.
Since when did puffer fish lips define beauty? The lips and eyelashes on some of the "wives" were breathtakingly awful. Some of the women looked to be channeling '70s blow up sex dolls sold from the once-famous warehouse in Canberra.
There was also a handy range of behavioural disorders on display. A Canadian Mormon single mother was top of shockers.
She had been partnered with Duncan, who could only be described as George Clooney's shy, dark haired brother. Classically handsome and seemingly kind.
We lost count of the number of times she said "I have a child'' and walked away from conversations with the mild-mannered (spunky) Duncan.
She wasn't happy boating (his boat) on Sydney's Middle Harbour where she channeled a character from a Stephen King horror flick, nor was she happy when he bought her a pink Kitchen Aid mixer master for a couples activity. (Pick me!)
As they say "she got hers'' when he declined her offer to "help" and removed himself from the show. "That's not what I expected,'' she said.
Another disaster was Cameron, a wrangler from Darwin, who "worked remote'' and had never been in a relationship.
Word picture - thin blond, waist length hair, tats and a propensity to say "yep", "jeez" and a tad too fond of his aggressive, mother who may have been called Fiona but appeared more like "Kim" from the '90s Kath and Kim comedy team.
Meanwhile, Lyndell (who recently started taking a lifesaving drug for MS) learned that Cam didn't like kissing. Yes. Kissing. Fiona said Lyndell was "needy".
Poor old Lyndell, travelled all the way to Darwin to learn that Cam was a selfish p...ck and only shared his bed with one night stands. "I work remote and only shag hookers'' should have been his tag line.
He had a water buffalo head above his bed and opposite, a wall filled with racks of fishing rods.
She didn't own thongs. Cam didn't like that she didn't own thongs.
I imagine any (sensible) woman who found herself in Cam's bed would run for the hills. He had a water buffalo head above his bed and opposite, a wall filled with racks of fishing rods.
Lyndell publicly stiffed the smug Cam and one assumes is living happily ever after, sans Cam.
On another matter:
"Don't fly hungry'' the message pinged into my email.
Jetstar's Alan Joyce, such a thoughtful son, ensuring we don't starve during our 45-minute flight from Launceston to Melbourne.
"Food isn't included with your fare'' - in bold type. "Be sure to pre-order now from our great range of hot options and avoid flying hungry!''
Such insightful marketing? Ravenous during a 45-minute flight? Not likely.
Nutritionist reader, Jetstar was offering me a gourmet beef duo pack combo of a pie and sausage roll with black coffee for $12.
Hey Al, here's a thought, have a look at the Air France (free) in-flight menu - I'll have a cheeky bottle of Bordeaux with cheese and a baguette. Another bottle? Of course.
