Every sport's default reaction to the coronavirus pandemic has been to shut down, stay home and tentatively start planning for when the situation improves.
This is because this is how we do things; we are an inherently optimistic species that looks for rays of sunshine in times of doom and gloom.
But what if there is no improvement and we are actually destined for a dystopian sporting future permanently ruled by the threat of COVID-19?
Jeff Goldblum's response to Dickie Attenborough's theory of controlling numbers in Jurassic Park by only genetically breeding females was: "Life finds a way."
Well so does sport, which can also find a way to stave off extinction. Great news for lumbering dinosaurs with small brains, like Sam Newman.
ELSEWHERE IN SPORT:
In a series of radical measures announced on the first of this month. sporting bodies have devised some ingenious methods of carrying on through the current crisis.
Each is to be commended for thinking so far outside the (penalty) box.
Tennis led the way. Perhaps the closest example of sporting self-isolation anyway (except doubles obviously), the game has tweaked a few rules to ensure all lockdown protocols are strictly observed.
From now on, players will only swap ends at the end of each set rather than every second game, and only after the court has been thoroughly disinfected by ball kids who, by the way, must also in future introduce new balls after every point.
Players were largely receptive to the new guidelines except Rafael Nadal who, apparently, did not take kindly to being told his 17-twitch, wedgie-removing pre-serve routine could no longer be tolerated as it was both unhygienic and also extremely irritating.
Motorsport was among the most proactive to respond to initial restrictions and has since found that the E-racing championship it introduced is not only more popular but also considerably safer than actual racing.
Also, because it no longer requires peak fitness, the sport has been reopened to many retired drivers with Dick Johnson to begin the 2021 Supercar series as reigning champion.
The concept of having to maintain 1.5 metres between individuals was nothing new to cyclists who have been adapting to the 'A metre matters' campaign for some time now and were only too willing to extend that by 50 per cent.
As this was destined to have a fundamental impact on pelotons, it was resolved that races would no longer use narrow, twisting roads and the Tour de France would in future be run exclusively on motorways, complete with refuelling stops at toll booths.
However, the ban on bunches does not bode well for track cycling, especially its bunch races.
The horse racing industry was only able to remain operational after agreeing to introduce an athletics-style lane system on every course with runners required to remain in their designated lane for the duration of each race. This had the side-effect of increasing the importance of securing a desirable inside lane at the barrier draw.
One-on-one combat sports like boxing and wrestling faced the biggest challenges. Initial trials with combatants wearing surgical facemasks proved impractical before the solution was found through the use of full-body Hazmat suits which were colour coded Olympic-style in blue and red to assist commentators with identification.
Given their slightly older demographics, bowls and golf have both decreed that only one player is allowed on an end/hole at a time, each progressing alone before opponents follow course. The increased timeframe in bowls would be counter-balanced by each player being able to compete in many ends simultaneously.
"It also has the effect of substantially reducing arguments and sledging," said a spokesman for Bowls Australia. "It's amazing we hadn't thought of this before."
The conundrum of what to do with so many of soccer's unfinished domestic leagues was finally resolved with Liverpool players - who had been 25 points clear and just two wins away from the club's first English title in three decades - no doubt delighted and proud to receive certificates of participation.
Apparently the idea had been suggested by supporters of the club's arch rivals Manchester United to make sure the club did not finish what had been a record-breaking campaign empty-handed.
Latest government advice says the best thing we can all do at the moment is stay at home and read a book.— Rob Shaw (@TheShawThing) April 4, 2020
OK, I made the last bit up, but am happy to home deliver Shaw Things around Launceston while abiding by social isolation protocols.
Message me at https://t.co/8AKGz5AuXapic.twitter.com/rqrjFelRND
Footballers have also suddenly become aware that the habit of spitting is not only unhealthy but also rather disgusting.
An agreement between all major codes decreed that in future spitting was to be dealt with by way of a yellow card warning while a red card dismissal would be the designated punishment for anybody found guilty of a snot rocket.
Handkerchiefs are to be made mandatory for all players with former Australian cricket captain Steve Waugh set to make a killing after the high-profile product launch of his specially-endorsed red designer apparel with the brand name Tuggachiefs (TM).
Assorted sporting bodies were in self-congratulatory mood after the initial success of their innovations before an ominous warning was issued by the Multi-national Academy for the Development and Enjoyment of Universal Physicality questioning the wisdom of their desire to persevere with what was already being dubbed a mad experiment.
"They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should," said MADEUP spokesperson Dr Ian Malcolm.
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