WHEN we first heard Devonport City Council was about to install "intelligent" parking meters on its streets, we thought it meant these new-fangled revenue raisers would engage in pleasant small talk while you rummaged through your pockets for small change.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
$0/
(min cost $0)
or signup to continue reading
"So, how's your day been so far?", "In town for shopping?, Kmart have got specials", you know, the sort of cheerful line of mechanical chat more usually associated with the weekend shift supermarket checkout chick who asks you late any Sunday night whether you have "plans for the rest of the weekend".
Once asked to flesh out our ambitions for a Sunday's remaining 90 minutes, even as we juggled several cans of beans and a carton of milk, we shot back: "Yep, headin' home right now for a wild satanic orgy followed by a candlelit dinner."
Hmm, she bought it.
Meanwhile, back at the Devonport pay-by-phone meter rollout, this far-sighted project's all about getting time using an app linked to your smart phone.
"You set an initial parking time by using a vehicle registration number and area code which can be found on signs and meters", the blurb explains.
It seems you get to do this by saddling up to a smart phone app and calling a 1300 number.
Whatever happened to just shoving money in the goddam slot?
Speaking as someone who has trouble fine-tuning a toaster, if not a problem reading a parking meter's digital display (why are the numbers so darn small?) we reckon this is about as clear as the mud that collects underneath a mate's off-road 4WD.
Gentle reader, you would be aware that there are technological early adaptors, plain old-fashioned "in my own good time" people, and we complete illiterates, whose heart sinks when confronted by some new gift to geeks - new technology designed to make life more convenient for everyone except us lot with a gremlin on the shoulder whispering: "Don't even try to understand this as it will be superseded by something even more complex next week."
We're reminded here of a Robert Crumb doco where the nerdy US cartoonist and musician attempts entry to New York's subway system.
Behatted and bespectacled, Crumb feeds a dollar note into a new ticket machine that promptly spits the bill back at him.
He tries again ... same result.
And so it goes until disheartened, Crumb gives up.
Like Crumb, this writer and technology are barely on speaking terms.
Current examples include a daily battle with our vehicle's sophisticated door lock system.
This electronic wiring get-up is so darn snooty it ignores us completely until reluctantly allowing us into the vehicle after much encouragement shading towards flattery.
Plus the occasional German swear word.
Remember when getting into a car was a matter of turning a key in a lock?
Now, not so easy.
Despite misgivings, we're wondering whether we should put our faith in a smart shirt.
These are Ralph Lauren upper garments not only monitoring one's general health, including heart rate, breathing depth, intensity of movement, steps taken, calories burned but tell you when you should take a shower.
Kidding about the shower bit but, with a $413 price tag, we would buy one if Ralph Lauren pledged this item of attire was smart enough to do the negotiating with your vehicle to let you drive it.
Or chat casually to your parking machine while you're calling 1300 to pay for meter time.
"Say, any plans for the weekend?" the shirt will inquire of the meter.
Oh, brave new (app happy) world.
