Pistorius: have we seen this before?

Toughest gig in sport

Dear Damian Keogh,

Good on you for taking over the chairmanship of the Cronulla Sharks, and trying to turn them around. If you can do that, your next project should be bringing peace to the Middle East. Clearly, through no fault of your own, you've had a rocky start but there is only one way up from here. Phil Rothfield's right. You're going to have to "destroy the village to save it." That is, to change that culture, to build a club that will not only win, but have the fans be proud of, you're going to have to raze what is standing and start again. This week's Mad Monday episode – where the players were photographed, in public, with a topless waitress – barely registers in the range of NRL atrocities. But it bespeaks a stupidity that simply takes the breath away. After the year they've had, the beatings they've taken, the shocking headlines they've generated, senior Sharks still thought this was an OK thing to do, before threatening the photographer for the film. Oh, and why not invite Todd Carney to join in on the merriment? You have publicly expressed your dismay, and good on you. But you cannot change a culture that has that level of bone-headed stupidity at its base. You have to excise it. Ditto the nominally-returning coach Shane Flanagan. He either knew about the systematic doping of his players on his watch in 2011, or he didn't. If he did, and let it go through, your job is to prevent him from being in charge of young men ever again. If he didn't, you can put him with the rest – too stupid to be there. Start again, Damian. Harold Holt will never find his way home with this current mob.

Yours,

Peter Fitz

PS. Pass on, please, my best regards to Maree.

Learning curve

In the wake of the successful staging of the Bingham Cup in Sydney, the world championship for gay rugby clubs – won by the Sydney Convicts once more – there has been some great writing. One of the best was by a Melbourne rugby player Matt Simpson in The Roar, headlined Why The Bingham Cup Is Important For Straight Men. The theme was how gay rugby clubs have changed perceptions, and how his team – filled with casual homophobes, including himself – had recently played against the gay Melbourne club, the Footscray Chargers, inviting them back to the club for a drink afterwards.

"The Chargers were fun, social, and had a go at the boat race. They stuck around way longer than most teams. The homophobic that I didn't know I had in me lost a bit more grip. The breaking point come a weekend or two later. Instead of getting rid of the homophobia after the game, we had simply gone back to casual mode, but I think we convinced ourselves it was OK by excusing the Chargers from it.  A week after the Chargers game, we were back at the pub, having a beer on a Saturday night as usual. One of our players summoned the rest of the leadership group and me to the smoking area. He came out to us. He was gay.

"My heart sank almost as low as my stomach had dropped. Not only from the guilt I had felt, having put him through weeks of torture [with my casual homophobia], but also the amazing bravery to come out to his own tormentors. He was shaking. We were silent. Then someone asked, 'you're still playing though, right?'"

Love that. And yes, he was still playing. All good in the big city!

Gag of the week

During a physical examination up Darwin way, a doctor asks a notably fit and robust retired woman about her physical activity level.

"I spend three days a week, every week in the outdoors," she replies. "Yesterday afternoon was typical. I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two kilometres of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate crocodile then ran away from one angry bull. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really poor golfer!"

What They Said

An ABC rugby league commentator after a brawl erupted on the field last Sunday between the Eels and Raiders:  "Oh, there's tension out there. It's like Mother's Day at the Rineharts." Dennis Commetti himself would be proud of that one.

Fitzphile Peter Cassin poses an interesting question: "When Scotland break away, will it become the 'British, Irish and Scottish Lions' and how will they fit that on their jumpers??"

‏@TheTweetOfGod:  "Serena Williams just thanked Me! You're welcome, Serena! That's what I do all day! Decide the winner of women's tennis matches!!!"

Pakistani cricketer Ahmed Shehzad to Sri Lankan cricketer Tillakaratne Dilshan: "If you are a non-Muslim and you turn Muslim, no matter whatever you do in your life, straight to heaven." Brilliant! Allah must run as strange a show as the Christian god.

Following Dilshan's reply, which was inaudible, Shehzad was further heard saying: "Then be ready for the fire." Got it? Think of it as the mother and father of all naughty corners.

The latest book claiming to give the "inside story" on Princess Diana's relationships with the likes of English rugby captain Will Carling and others: "Diana had taken them to watch him play, he was a regular visitor to Kensington Palace and he had given them each rugby shirts that were no doubt their pride and joy." One day, remind me to tell you the greatest Diana/Carling story in the history of the world, and it's TRUE!

Richmond coach Damien Hardwick on the AFL having trouble admitting they're wrong: "You know, the AFL are like, they're like the Fonz . . . w w w wrong."

South African fast bowler Dale Steyn upset with Michael Clarke after a very personal sledge by the Australian cricket captain: "I don't take many things personally, but what he did say to me I did take personally."

AFL chief Gillon McLachlan on the turn around in perceptions of the Swans: "The Swans were a club no one associated with September. They almost exclusively played from March to August each year. Now . . . this is a club that effectively owns the month of September."

What Dockers coach Ross Lyon is alleged to have said to a fan who touched him: "Don't f***ing touch me c***." But , part from that, thank you for your patronage of the club, which ultimately pays my wages.

Caroline Wozniacki serves it up, during an interview, to her former fiance Rory McIlroy, on the upside of no longer being together: "I can wear heels."

Mike Tyson, during a live interview on Canadian television, when the interviewer raised the subject that he is a convicted rapist: "It's so interesting, you come off like a nice guy, but that was really a piece of s***, that comment. F*** you. That was a piece of s*** . . .  It's more nerve-racking for me to sit here talking to a rat piece of s*** like you. F*** you."

Team of the Week

Kei Nishikori and Marin Cilic. First men's grand slam singles final since 2005 without Djokovic, Nadal or Federer

Roger Federer. It's now nine slams since his last win, and he's 33. Only five men's singles slams in the open era have been won by someone more than 33 years old and Ken Rosewall was responsible for four of them.

Minjee Lee. Young golfer turning pro after leading Australia to victory in women's world amateur team championship.

Omar Jasika. Young Australian tennis player won the boy's doubles and singles finals at Flushing Meadows.

Cricket Inspiration Day. If you have a 7-12 year old cricketer who wants to join 200 others for a great clinic on September 22, Google and go.

Jessica Thornton. The 16-year-old Brigidine College student won gold in the final of the 400m athletics at the Youth Olympics in China. She is one to watch.

Jake Brimmer. The 16-year-old Melburnian, who recently signed with Liverpool, scored twice from set pieces to guide Australia to a 4-2 win over Japan in the opening round of the under-16 Asian Cup in Bangkok. Rah!

Richmond. Maybe finishing ninth wouldn't have been so bad after all, following their 57-point shellacking by Port Adelaide.

Sydney Swans. Beat the Dockers to have a week off and a home preliminary final next Friday night. And TFF has been invited! And I'm going. So THERE.

Nat Fyfe. The Fremantle Docker has been voted by his peers as the MVP of 2014. But there is something weird on his upper lip. It's either a moustache or his eyebrows are lightly moulting. (It's okay, Joan Rivers. I'll take it from here.)

Remy Gardner. The teenage son of Australian motorcycling legend Wayne will make his grand prix racing debut this weekend after earning a late call-up to ride in Moto3, whatever that is.

St Augustine's under-14 A rugby team. Playing in the Independent Schools Association competition, they were not only unbeaten – scoring 605 points in 10 games – but had NO points scored against them! Now known as the Invincibles. One of their stars was Albert Hopoate, of obvious provenance.

Twitter: @Peter_Fitz