Five-year-olds give new take on miracle of birth

MY WIFE is pregnant and I had nothing to do with it.

Mark Baker.

Mark Baker.

You'd think I'd be more upset, but I find it very amusing.

You see, she's a primary school teacher and every day she comes home and details the pupils' latest theory on how women get pregnant and how and when they give birth.

On duty in the playground, one little girl came over and trumpeted: "I know how you got a baby in your belly," in a tone that indicated her disgust.

Oh no, my wife thought, this is going to be awkward.

"Do you? That's nice."

"Yeah, you ate too much."

I can just see the head-shaking finger-wagging lecture from the little girl.

The food-baby theory is pretty common in the school ground.

When another child asked if there was a baby in that round belly and was told yes, she replied: "I thought you'd just eaten too much, I thought you'd had a big lunch, hey."

As the last of four kids, I never really had that moment in childhood when you try and work out the mysteries of pregnancy yourself.

By the time my older sisters started having babies, I was 22 and it was just too embarrassing to ask by then.

Maybe I'll just Google it here at work, hold on ... OK, that's going to get me fired.

Children's concept of gestation is also a little off the mark.

My wife explained to the kids the importance of being gentle around the baby.

When she turned up at school the next day still pregnant, it caused a look of concern from one little boy.

"Where is your baby?"

"It's still in my belly, it will be for a while."

"Oh, I thought you were bringing it in today," he replied, exceedingly disappointed.

But it's how the baby gets out that gets some little boys talking.

Overhearing a conspiratorial conversation between two little fellas, my wife heard one five- year-old whisper to the other: "I know where babies come out of."

This isn't going to be pretty, she thought.

"Where?"

"You squeeze them out of your belly button."

"Gross."

Thankfully, when it's someone else's kids you can listen to their theories and not have to decide whether to tell them the truth or just let them keep thinking the doctor presses down on the protruding belly button until the mother gets sick and throws up the baby, like one online forum revealed.

What we will tell our kids when they're very young, I'm not sure, but I like this explanation that blends quasi- facts with block-building inter- connectivity.

The parent took the decision to explain how, when mums and dads love each other they do a special act that only mums and dads can do, which connects them together and makes a baby.

"Like building Lego?" the toddler replied.

"Well, um, sort of like building Lego, I guess, yes."

"Next time you and daddy make a Lego baby I want to watch."

That's one 21st birthday speech that's worth listening to.

A colleague with twin girls picked them up from daycare when they were toddlers and was told by the staff the pair had learned how their mum had gotten two babies.

"Daddy was putting a seed in mum's belly button but he slipped and poured the whole packet in," the girls had explained to the other children.

Now my wife's class is getting used to the idea, they are also starting to turn it to their advantage.

If they get a little loud and overexcited, they need to be told to calm down and behave.

One little tacker piped up: "I don't think the baby likes it when you growl at us."

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