State elections. How thrilling.
For many of Tasmania's politas intelligentsia, the state election has served as a chance to flex muscles and act as if the wheel has been reinvented.
A chance for talking heads to do what they do best.
But for your average schmuck, it's just another opportunity to be served with a bunch of promises, then not live to see them come to fruition.
So in the good spirit of this state election, which has been so predictable an ancient Aztec mural could've picked it, I've decided to address all the issues facing Northern Tasmania and how we can fix them.
Let's start with something simple: Traffic congestion.
Some of us are still awaiting a bridge across the Tamar to ease traffic on the West Tamar Highway, which always seems to consist exclusively of people driving 60km/h (too slow) or 80km/h (too fast).
As tempting as it would be for the next state government to just plonk another large and elaborate roundabout somewhere along it, I have another idea.
The easy, and obvious fix to this issue is to invite the helmsman of the ship that got stuck in the Suez Canal to work his magic on the Tamar.
IN OTHER NEWS:
I mean driving across a bunch of shipping containers can't be any more tedious than trying to merge southbound onto the WT Highway off Forest Road.
Of course this means vessels won't be able to come to and from Launnie, but that's a small sacrifice the impatient drivers of the West Tamar are willing to pay.
Speaking of the Tamar, how are we gonna fix the mud? I'll tell you how.
Now I know team Gutwein have said they'll commit four milly to fix the river, including a good old consultation process (which always work so efficiently in Launceston).
But I prefer a more direct solution - I'm pretty sure Aquaman encountered a similar problem in #305: Aquaman Tries to Fix the Grotty River That No One Else Can Really be Bothered Fixing.
See, in this action-packed issue, Aquaman makes all the litter bugs who dump their junk food in the river, whether it's a pre-run ciggy at Royal Park or KFC at Riverbend Park - grab a snorkel and shovel and clear up the gunk that's accumulated.
I mean that should work, right? It sure worked for my childhood fishpond, which was basically a microcosm of the Tamar (but with more sunken army men).
Now I know the state government has about as much control over the Launceston CBD 'issues' as a Launnie Chit Chat moderator does over helicopter sighting arguments, but I'm gonna request they fix it anyway.
Something tells me people don't like the empty storefronts (except maybe the Illuminati-like Brisbane Street Barons), it might be all the complaining people do.
Two words: Krispy. Kreme. We all want it - it's the naughty third item carry-on from mainland flights we all crave. Let's chuck one in the Brisbane Street Mall and like in Field of Dreams: build it and they will come.
I just want to be able to say 'I'm Batmaaaaaaaan' as I drive across the bridge...
While we're at it, let's throw in a Nandos for good measure. In fact, why stop there? Has anyone else imagined a nice big Maccas where Birchalls was?
I understand the site might still be ear-marked for the pipe-dream that is the creative precinct, but McDonalds' are like IKEA furniture at this point.
I mean look how quickly they tore down and built the one at Invermay, no disruption whatsoever. Okay, now giving us even more fast-food options than we already have might not seem the best idea for our crippling chronic health crisis - but hey at least the stores won't be empty.
We've gotta be glass half-full at times here people.
Speaking of health (takes swig of whisky).
I mean who doesn't love waiting weeks upon weeks for elective surgery? It's about the anticipation and, when your surgery gets delayed for the third time, the increased feeling of defeat.
I imagine the wait would be similar to that of Star Wars fans waiting for the Phantom Menace to come out: long and disappointing.
Meanwhile, the poor staff and patrons of the LGH continue to wonder how the facility is somehow more dramatic than Grey Sloan Memorial from Grey's Anatomy. But I mean really, what can we do?
More nurses? Maybe. More beds? Maybe those too. A less accident-prone, healthier populace? It can't hurt.
I can't really judge the politicians, I have about as much medical know-how as the board game Operation too.
Midland Highway works; let's have more. I want my trip to Hobart to take as long as humanely possible.
Nothing says family-fun for tourists like having a sleep-deprived truck driver ride up your tail in a 40 km/h work zone, all the while the unsealed roads are giving your under-carriage a good beating.
Let's build pedestrian overpasses at Campbell Town to stop all those pesky jay-walkers, let's put a few roundabouts in, and let's put up as many barriers as possible - because these will make all the terrible Tassie drivers better.
Speaking of useless construction projects, why do we need someone overseas to build the next Spirits of Tasmania?
The Soggy Bottom Boat Regatta was canned for 2021, let's bring it back and the winner can build the next cruise-liners to go back and forth across Bass Strait!
At least people will be able to keep an eye on their animals if they're aboard a 1x1 cardboard boat.
The Batman Bridge - let's re-name it ... to the Batman Bridge. I'm sure I'm not the first genius to think of it, but why can't we just name it after the caped crusader? Better yet, let's chuck a statue of him perched at the top.
I just want to be able to say 'I'm Batmaaaaaaaan' as I drive across the bridge, to be frank. But I know in true Tassie bureaucratic form, a group of Superman fans will show opposition at every turn. While Gutwein said he didn't want a 'civil war' of councils in regards to amalgamation - I'm all for it.
Can you imagine all the mayors dressed in American Civil War outfits leading their overpaid councillors into a field where only the strong and crafty survive?
Even better, if the West Tamar and George Town councils go at it, we could re-enact the iconic bridge blowing up scene from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.
That'd kill two birds with one stone: fewer councils and one less bridge to complain about.