Halloween has never done it for me.
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My first introduction to the worst event on the calendar came as a 20ish-year-old university student.
As if studying ancient Mediterranean trade routes for exams wasn't punishment enough on a typically freezing day in Sandy Bay, an unexpected knock on the door found me giving up one of life's few luxuries at that point in time - my Nan's orange cake - to some kid who definitely needed it less than I did.
Aside from the fact that it's not part of Australian culture, the whole set-up of trick-or-treating is an absolute sham.
What we're unwittingly condoning here is mafia blackmail for kids.
I'd like to think that if someone came to a Launceston front door in genuine need of treats we'd find it in our hearts to spare them a killer python without the threat of being maltreated for non-compliance.
What's more, I'd hope we'd be kind enough to give them what they need, not what they want.
If children arrive at your door with white faces and bleeding mouths you need to be taking them to hospital - a warhead is just about the worst thing you could give to someone in this condition.
A quick Google search reveals that the second best way to avoid trick-or-treaters is to 'keep your jack-o-lantern indoors'.
That's like saying that the best way to kerb a fast-food habit is to buy your own deep-fryer.
If you've got a jack-o-lantern at all you're literally asking to be tricked and/or coerced into treating.
Not to mention participating in the worst form of food art there is.
Where has the art of food presentation gone so wrong that we've fallen from the heights of Zumbo's macaron tower to taking time out of our day to transform a pumpkin into an object of terror?
If we're as desperate to be as environmentally responsible with food wastage as everyone makes out, let's at least seriously consider the plight of pumpkins.
Hence the saying, food for thought.
At this point you're probably thinking I'm either a really boring person or I've got some hang-up against North American traditions.
Let me say right now that the second of those conclusions is absolutely unfounded.
Last month my brother's Canadian partner introduced our family to the wonders of Thanksgiving, with superb results.
There was turkey, Canadian clothing, unopened bottles of maple syrup just sitting around for no reason - I think that's traditional - and I'm pretty sure OG Anunoby's three-pointer from the NBA playoff with Boston came up at one point.
Best of all, the evening finished with a pumpkin pie, which I learned is a delicious dessert and absolutely not a term of endearment between Canadian sweethearts.
Which got me thinking - why aren't we onboard Thanksgiving in Tasmania?
Canada rightly celebrates its abundance of turkeys and pumpkins and we've got plenty to be thankful for too.
I haven't met a Tasmanian who wouldn't love a public holiday set aside for drinking local wine and being happy about it.
We could put together some seafood, dress up in our finest puffer jackets and have pots of manuka honey just sitting around in a cultural display of lavish decoration. I even think we should keep the pumpkin pie.
So if we're going to adopt an October-ish day of celebration - and I'm far from against the idea - we can do without the pumpkin mutilation and tween extortion.
My vote goes to a day that celebrates Tasmania and has a healthy respect for pumpkins.
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