Another English Premier League season is upon us, bringing all the excitement one can expect from a heavily lopsided money-off between London-based property tycoons and Middle Eastern oil princes.
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To save you from doing the research, we've compiled an easy list of the main summer transfers including Danny Ings' permanent move to Southampton and Tyrone Mings' switch to Aston Villa.
German midfielder Torsten Frings remains retired.
ARSENAL
Manager: Unai Emery
What's news: The Gunners have broken their transfer record by shelling out 72 million pounds for 24-year-old Ivory Coast winger Nicolas Pepe. Not related to ex-Real Madrid defender Pepe.
Now in his second season taking over from Arsene Wenger, Emery has started wearing glasses and looks really good in them.
ASTON VILLA
Manager: Dean Smith
What's news: Villa are back in the Premier League, that's what. They've also gone transfer mad, arrowing in on Southampton's Matt Targett, trebucheting in Egyptian winger Trezeguet and weasling Wesley from Club Brugge's clutches. Australian Mile Jedinak is gone but has recently had a baby boy - Luka Mile.
BOURNEMOUTH
Manager: Eddie Howe
What's news: Not heaps - although this time 10 years ago the Cherries were in administration so the fact they're bobbing along quietly like a dinghy on Bournemouth Pier is in fact great news. Dan Gosling has a hip injury so won't be in any new movies until October. Oh wait that's Ryan.
BRIGHTON
Manager: Graham Potter
What's news: Brighton's biggest signing is Genk winger Leandro Trossard, whose name is an anagram of adds salon terror. That's all I've got sorry.
BURNLEY
Manager: Sean Dyche
What's news: Peter Crouch has retired from his quest to play for every Premier League club there is. Cue replays of that bicycle for Liverpool. Burnley played Nice in the pre-season but didn't play nice, winning 6-1.
CHELSEA
Manager: Frank Lampard
What's news: The Blues have kicked off their two-year transfer ban by signing Mateo Kovacic, who spent last season at the club on loan, and replaced managerial fan favourite Maurizio Sarri with club legend Super Frankie Lampard, who also goes by the name Frank Lampard around friends. Eden Hazard left for Real Madrid for 88 million pounds and arrived seven kilos overweight. Must have been good plane food.
CRYSTAL PALACE
Manager: Roy Hodgson
What's news: Hodgson turns 72 next month and has been managing since 1976. Palace managed to get 50 million pounds for 21-year-old full-back Aaron Wan-Bissaka's move to Man United - nearly enough to rebuild the Crystal Palace that burned down in 1936.
EVERTON
Manager: Marco Silva
What's news: Fabian Delph's four-year spell at Manchester City lasted about three years longer than expected, but the England midfielder has finally departed for a three-year deal with the Toffees.
LEICESTER CITY
Manager: Brendan Rodgers
What's news: One of the artists behind the Foxes' ridiculous 2015-16 title win, Shinji Okazaki, has left for the birthplace of Picasso, Malaga. Hard-working English centre-back Harry Maguire has been trying desperately to get to Manchester, the birthplace of the industrial revolution.
LIVERPOOL
Manager: Jurgen Klopp
What's news: Daniel Sturridge leaves after 50 goals in 116 games. Liverpool's biggest signing has been Fulham wonderkid Harvey Elliott, who at 16 seems too young to have a man-bun or play EPL. He's done both anyway.
MANCHESTER CITY
Manager: Pep Guardiola
What's news: Ex-captain Vincent Kompany has left after 11 years to take the old-school gig of player-manager at Anderlecht. Spent 62 million pounds on Atletico Madrid talent Rodri. In Australian money that's enough to buy 55 million packets of barbecue Shapes.
MANCHESTER UNITED
Manager: Ole Gunnar Solskjaer
What's news: Romelu Lukaku is set to join Juventus after 28 goals in 66 games with Paolo Dybala heading the other way. The Argentianian should prove equally as Dybala-cal for defenders. Ander Herrera and Antonio Valencia both departed after long stints.
NEWCASTLE UNITED
Manager: Steve Bruce
What's news: Respected manager Rafa Benitez has sailed off into the Chinese sunset, exciting forward Ayoze Perez has followed the M1 to Leicester. Club owner Mike Ashley will need to take the underground should his popularity sink any lower.
NORWICH CITY
Manager: Daniel Farke
What's news: Norwich blitzed the Championship last season after a 30-goal season from Finnish finisher Teemu Pukki. The Canaries have spent next to nothing over the summer.
SHEFFIELD UNITED
Manager: Chris Wilder
What's news: The sentimental factor is through the roof as Everton 386-gamer Phil Jagielka returns to the club he left upon its most recent premier league season in 2006-07. Presumably the Jag will give the Blades some cutting edge down back.
SOUTHAMPTON
Manager: Ralph Hasenhuttl
What's news: The Saints haven't sold anyone to Liverpool, which is weird. Hasenhuttl, which apparently translates to small rabbit hutch, has instead managed to make Reds forward Danny Ings a permanent addition and bring in Moussa Djenepo, who has a really fancy haircut.
TOTTENHAM
Manager: Mauricio Pochettino
What's news: Christian Eriksen put himself in the shop window almost before Divock Origi struck the Champions League final winner but is still yet to find a new home. After not signing anyone for like three years Spurs have picked up delightfully named Frenchman Tanguy Ndombele and shipped off specialist bench occupant Vincent Janssen.
WATFORD
Manager: Javi Gracia
What's news: Defender Craig Dawson signed for five million after 200-plus games at West Brom. The Hornets are also buzzing around potential record signing Ismaila Sarr.
WEST HAM
Manager: Manuel Pellegrini
What's news: Andy Carroll has been released, Marko Arnautovic has gone to further his bank account in Shanghai, headline-maker Samir Nasri was apparently there for a bit but has since gone. Who knew?
WOLVERHAMPTON
Manager: Nuno Esprito Santo
What's news: Against all good sense Wolves managed to finish seventh last year and they seem to have no plans of returning back to the Championship. Loanees Leander Dendonkcer and Raul Jimenez have both signed permanent deals with the club. Jimenez has been compared to both Zlatan Imbrahimovic and Olivier Giroud, which could imply that he gets a lot of red cards and never comes on until after the 60-minute mark, but actually means he's great at scoring goals.
ELSEWHERE IN SPORT
Hamish Geale
Hamish Geale is a senior reporter at The Examiner. Got good news? Email: hgeale@examiner.com.au
Hamish Geale is a senior reporter at The Examiner. Got good news? Email: hgeale@examiner.com.au
