After this week’s revelation of the Australian Government’s citizenship crackdown, we've decided to implement a range of new family rules, tests and expectations in order to keep our household strong.

Husband and I will impose new rules and a test on our adult children, because new rules and a very important test are always helpful in uncertain times.

If Australia is an ‘immigration nation’ as opined by our (fictional) leader MalDonald Trumpball, our little household needs to play its role; to make Australia great (again) and be first in the tuckshop line for sausage rolls with sauce, or, such-like.

Prior to their next visit, we will be assessing our children and their spouses’ qualifications before they're allowed to make themselves comfortable in the family home.

We, naturally, will pay particular attention to the New Zealand-born partner, the cute friend from the UK and the cuddly buddy from North Carolina who wears a pair of very thick reading glasses.

Being a part of our family will be regarded as a privilege, my husband said.

“Under the current system, they arrive whenever they can get cheap airfares across Bass Strait,” he said.

“I propose values-based, family membership questions,” he said.

“Membership of our family is a privilege and should only be afforded to those who support our values, respect our laws and want to work hard by integrating and contributing to an even better family. We must ensure that any family activity is conducted in our family's interest. Family Rules! By family, for family .. family first.”

He also proposed that we shouldn't be embarrassed to only accept ‘great people’ into our family. Bugger those who can't get a job, don't speak the language or need a new prescription for their very thick reading glasses.

“They will, however, need to show proof of membership of the Bridport Bowls Club, APEX, the CWA, Lions or Rotary.”

I'm proud to say my small role in our new wave of family pride was to produce 10 ‘Family Suitability’ questions.

Any less than seven correct answers and the failed family applicants would be sent back to where they came from.

1.On what day of the week does Mother's Day fall?

2.Does mum prefer silver or gold?

3.How does mum like her tea and at what time do we serve mum her cup of tea in bed?

4.Mum’s favourite saying at the family table is “a full mouth is a …. Mouth?”

5.Mum's other favourite saying is, “we kept feeding them and they just …”

6.What is mum’s, one-word, uncensored opinion of dad’s collection of National Geographic magazines?

7.Which overseas holiday would mum prefer (multiple choice) a. Portugal b. Kansas City c. Sardinia d. All of the above?

8.Who is mum’s favourite child?

9.Are earrings or sunglasses mum's favourite gift?

10.Does mum like her Vegemite spread thick or thin?

Husband also proposed stand-alone English language test examining reading, writing and listening skills.

I am totally fond of these three, especially the listening skills.

Once they pass our test, family members will have the same rights as mum and dad. Well, almost.

Note to the attentive reader: can you identify which sentences are actual Australian Government lingo?