Losing a child is the worst pain a parent can experience, according to those who have had to live with it, and with so many young deaths on Tasmanian roads, it’s something that is very real for many mums and dads.
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There were 38 people killed as a result of crashes on Tasmanian roads in 2016 – five more than the previous year.
For Launceston’s Lisa Bird and Ulverstone’s Maureen Armstrong, who both lost their 18-year-old sons years ago, the reality of living without their boys is still hard to bear.
“Eventually you get into a routine of getting through the day, and although they are not easier, you learn to manage enough to continue onward,” Ms Bird said.
“There is great truth in the theory that you do not get over it, you get through it.
“Time doesn’t heal exactly, but it does soften the edges and allow you to step back from the abyss that you originally were standing on. Occasionally you wander back towards it though.”
Ms Bird is battling breast cancer, and had her final round of chemotherapy last week.
Her son Joshua Gough was on his way home from Hobart to Launceston when he crossed to the wrong side of the road at Margate, crashing into a front-load rubbish truck in 2008.
He died at the scene while his three passengers survived. There were no drugs or alcohol found in his system, and the reason for the crash was unknown.
“My husband and I had to drive to Hobart to identify Josh. I was in shock and so numb that tears never occurred to me.
“I was also horrified that the crash was shown on the news before I had time to inform my mother. The image of her grandson’s car will haunt her until her dying day.
“The following weeks are a blur – often too numb to care much or the alternative of endless sobbing when reality did hit home. Everything seemed trivial in comparison to what had happened. Eating seemed unimportant and talking was a chore.
“There is no going back to the old you after the loss of a child - an essential part of your life is gone forever. The mask you wear is often mentioned,the one you put on to hide the fact that you are not over it and never will be but people expect that you will return to your old self.
“You lose most of your friendships and many marriages break down because they cannot deal with the now slightly broken version of you.
“That is not to say that you do not enjoy life again. In fact, I now appreciate every blessing and opportunity in my life even more but, yes, I am changed forever.”
Maureen Armstrong lost her son Wayne 26 years ago.
“It is still as raw today as it was then,” she said.
Wayne was involved in a head-on collision on December 21, 1990, was taken to hospital, and died on December 22. He was buried on Boxing Day that year.
“I would put a smile on my face, but no one knew how much I was suffering from behind. It was hard to put one foot in front of the other.
"The first few Christmases after that were unimaginable. I had a really happy marriage before that, but I split with my husband eight years after the accident.
“My husband was a person who could fix things, but he couldn’t fix my broken heart. He said he couldn’t make me happy, and I felt like I wasn’t entitled to be happy.
“Losing a child changes a parent forever. You can never be that happy mum again. It’s the worst pain you could ever experience.
“I tried to get the help I needed, including electric shock treatment and living in a clinic for a period of time. Even after all that, I attempted to take my life.”
After struggling for years to deal with the loss of her son, Ms Armstrong found Road Trauma Support Tasmania last year.
“They have been helping me, and there came a time that I was able to release myself from the huge burden I had carried. It left me. I am now a totally different individual and I can go on living my life.
“I will miss Wayne until the day I die, but now I can move on.
“I desperately want to get the word out there for other people who are suffering with the loss of a child or a partner, or struggling with a motor crash, that help is available.”
Ms Bird started an online group called ‘Bittersweet’ for bereaved parents following the loss of her son.
“I started the closed facebook group expecting only to add the parents I already knew who had lost a child, and then anyone that they knew.
“It is now international and we hold quarterly gatherings here in Launceston for local members. As it is a closed group where every member is a bereaved parent, it offers them the privacy, understanding and compassion that is needed.”
Both mothers want people to know how important it is to drive safely and understand that the road is a dangerous place.
“My message would be to just concentrate on your driving,” Ms Bird said. “Texting, alcohol and drugs, and speeding are not worth never making it home to those you love, or causing another to never return home to their family.”
She advised other mothers and families dealing with road trauma to take everything at their own pace.
“Let your body tell you what is needed. If you want to hibernate, do so, and if you want to sob, sob.
“People will try to tell you what is best, but only you can decide. Delegate others to deal with phone calls and things like that.
“My advice to people trying to help a bereaved parent is just be there, hold them, let them talk if they wish or just sit in silence.
“It is fine to say, ‘I don’t know what to say’, but try to avoid things like, ‘they are in a better place’ or ‘I know how you feel, I just lost my grandmother’. This is not what we wish to hear because we only want them here with us where they belong.”
Road Trauma Support Tasmania counsellors can be contacted through the website www.roadtraumasupport.org.au, by phone, 6777 6252 and 0427 487 251, or through private message on the Facebook page.
